...to the field of my head. Smell the flowers and lay on your back in the grass. Look up and watch the clouds as they look so fluffy and nice. Enjpy as the breeze flows through your hair and makes the grass tickle your skin. Smile as you enjoy everything, stay as long as you would like (>-<) I am the editor of my schools lit magazine and am in Quill and Scroll, an international honors society for highschool journalists. Yippee!

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I have wanted to share my writing online for a while so here we are. This is full of things that I just need to write, they may be dumb and stupid and dont make sense to you. That doesn't matter to me because this is for me. Read a bit.

I am unsure if other teenagers have this problem in the summer, I know Phineas and Ferb don't, but I seem to have too much free time. I forget how much my life runs on a schedule most months of the year, so when summer comes and I am lost, it's a very strange feeling. There is so much I want to do, crochet, read, play piano, play a video game, work on this, and it feels like I don't have enough time. It's the second week of summer break and I have until August to do these things. So why am I panicking?

Another reason why I love summer break so much is because instead of worrying about highschool, I get to worry about college. A joy honestly. Jokes of course I hate having anxiety that keeps me up at night. I cannot go to sleep without googling some odd question that I do not have to be worried about right now. Although with this situation I have figured out that if I get an A in every single class next year, both semesters, I can get a 4.0 GPA. I suppose it's time to lock in.

June 6th 2024

I do not have air conditioning in my house. I used to and it didn't work that well, but that was before the unit was dragged through rocks because they thought we didn't want it. Strange. Now it doesn't work at all. Joys. My mother and I have adapted though with box fans and opening our windows when the sun sets. I love summer for that reason.

Late at night, I love the feeling of cold air blowing on my back from the small light green desk fan on my head board compared to the cool air that blows in from my open window. It has a slight dampness to it and smells like summer. I have found it overall comforting, whispering and tickling me to sleep.

June 6th 2024

There is a creature outside my window at night. I hear him walk across my neighbors drive way. I would have never seen him if it wasn't for him little bell. He is a large gray cat and I have made eye contact with him many many times. He probably scared me more than I scared him the first time I saw him. We were both frozen with fear when we saw eachother, trying to take in eachother and process what we were seeing. He sat under my house in the day and layed in my yard at night. He was very chatty when talking to him through my window. It turned out he was a missing cat in my neighborhood and got returned to his owner last week. I sometimes miss hearing his bell.

There is another creature at my dads. I hear him in the late hours of the night and early in the morning when I wake up to deliriously shut my window before the days heat starts. I hear him yowl and I peak outside my window to see him sitting in the shade. His skinny white body with orange spots, he is smaller than the creature outside my mom's but not under weight. He's just small. I gave him some water.

June 19th 2024

small edit: as of the end of june, the large gray kitty has been reunited with his home after staying under our house for a while until becoming comfortable enough around my mom to let her see his tag. he is home and safe. the other cat wanders around my dads avoiding people but altimatly failing. he is also doing well.

Sometimes I swear to everything good, I can see my grandpa sitting in his seat in the living room when I scamper from my room, across the hall and into the bathroom. I can glance so quickly down to the other end of the hallway and I DO see him there. I can see his shoulder and leg sitting there with my grandma.

I am so quick with it though that when I register what I even saw, it is too late and I scurry from the room I'm in back to the hall and he isn't there. Of course he wasn't there, but I know he was. I think it feels like he's not really gone because he spent most of the last months of his life upstairs in bed. So it felt like he was already gone when he was there and that he's here when he's gone. I know that he is here though, I have seen him sitting there far to many times.

June 19th 2024

School has started again and I am counting down the days till I leave and never look back at that building. I am enjoying my senoir year so far exept my classes are almost entirly AP. Except, they are actually fancy college classes made by the actual state college. I can either pay $800 for 9 college credits and pass my classes with atleast a C or take the AP tests. I know what I am going to do. I don't mind this school year though, honeslty.

Now that my summer break is closed I spend every free moment I can relaxing and enjoying what is going on around me. I find myself outside in the cool late summer weather, happy to be alive. I spend time inside playing video games. The weather in these games is a stark contrast to what is outside in real life. It is always so warm and bright in these games and I can't help but yearn for the summer heat once again.

August 21st 2024

Last night I had a dream about you. You were wearing my sweatshirt and we were outside with all your friends. A bunch of people I didn't know but I didn't care because I was with you. I only looked at you while you looked at everyone else and me. It look me a while to recongnize the sweatshirt as mine, I only thought that you looked good in it. The brown brought out the warmth in your eyes and hair. It was cold and soggy on the porch, I think it was trying to be winter. My hands slid unter the sweatshirt to touch your silky skin in a search for warmth from the bitter cold.

I used to dream of you a lot. I hadn't since you graduated and summer happened. Not seeing or talking to you had disconnected the signal my subconscious had with your being as a whole. Since we have started talking once more you have filled your room in my mind again. The lights are on for the first time since the spring, maybe you were on a summer vaction, yet the blinds are closed still. I can see your sillouhett from the street, perhaps you are unpacking or cleaning as you dance around the room. I watch from below for a moment longer before continuing my walk in my mind.

September 29th 2024

I have this widget on my iPad that tells me when the sunrise and sunset is. It has been interesting to watch as the days are getting shorter. In the middle of august the sun rose at 6am, now in the middle of october its rising a little after 7. I hate to say it but this little widget has made me more mindful about the sun. As before I was waking up with the sun I am now waking up after it. I am starting my day, skipping out the door behind my parents as we walk to the car while the sun is just peaking over the herizon. I stare at the firey ball as it peaks above the curve of the earth while I sit in the passenger seat of the car. Unable to hold eye contact I look away and smile at the warmth on my face.

Sometimes in the clouds when the sun is rising or falling I can see heaven. The golden edge of the clouds framing the small hole in the clouds is where my grandpa and aunt are. That is heaven. I am not catholic and I do not belive in Jesus Christ so when I say heaven I am not talking about that. I am talking about my own heaven. It is almost the same heaven that I belive in when I lay down in my bed after a long day, the blankets are perfect and I am falling asleep. It is almost the same heaven when I am at a sleepover with friends and the lights are dim and we are laughing so hard we can see eachothers teeth.

October 14th 2024

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Lay By: Atomic Kiss || Image by: Barunson